Saturday, April 12, 2003
(President Bartlet is alone in the cavernous National Cathedral. He looks down at his shoes, then after a while looks up.)
You’re a son of a bitch, You know that? She bought her first new car and You hit her with a drunk driver. What? Is that supposed to be funny?
“You can’t conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God,” says Graham Greene. I don’t know who’s ass he was kissing there, because I think You’re just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to Yours but praise His glory and praise His name?
There’s a tropical storm that’s gaining speed. Power. They say we haven’t had a storm this bad since You took out that tender ship of mine in the North Atlantic last year. Sixty-eight crew. Do you know what a tender ship does? It fixes the other ships. It doesn’t even carry guns. It just goes around, fixes the other ships, and delivers the mail. That’s all it can do.
(Sarcastically.) Gratias tibi ago, domine. [Transaltion: Thank You, Lord.]
Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I’ve committed many sins. Have I displeased You, You feckless thug? Three-point-eight million new jobs, that wasn’t good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, thirty million new acres of land for conservation. Put Mendoza on the Bench. We’re not fighting a war. I’ve raised three children. That’s not enough to buy me out of the doghouse.
Haec credam a deo pio, a deo justo, a deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem. Tuus in terras servus, nuntias fui; officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. (Dismissively.) Eas in crucem. [Translation: Am I really to believe that these are the acts of a pious God? A just God? A wise God? To Hell with You punishments. I was Your servant here on Earth. And I spread Your word and I did Your work. To Hell with Your punishments. To Hell with You.]
(He lights a cigarette, takes a puff, then drops it to the floor and puts it out with his shoe.) You get Hoynes.
My favorite soliloquy, from MY favorite President, Josiah Bartlet...
President Josiah Bartlet: You're Dr. Jenna Jacobs, right?
Dr. Jacobs: Yes, Sir.
Bartlet: ...Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.?
Jacobs: A Ph.D
Bartlet: A Ph.D.
Jacobs: Yes, Sir.
Jacobs: No, Sir.
Bartlet: Social work?
Jacobs: I have a Ph.D. in English literature.
Bartlet: I'm asking 'cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go
by the name Dr. Jacobs on your show, and I didn't know if maybe your
listeners were confused by that and assumed you had advanced training in
psychology, theology or health care.
Jacobs: I don't believe they are confused, no, Sir.
Bartlet: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an
Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President, the
Bartlet: Yes, it does. Leviticus.
Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGarry, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or is it OK to call the police? Here's one that's really important cuz we've got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side-by-side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing, while you may mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
Woo hoo! I have this on an audio clip and I always love hearing it...
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