Tuesday, December 14, 2004
ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
If I pack up and leave, it won't be for Canada - you can find me in Amsterdam. My passport will be seeing a lot of use in the next four years...
Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-Dodgers
A SATIRE By Joe Blundo
Columbus Dispatch 11-16-04
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
"We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-Dodgers
A SATIRE By Joe Blundo
Columbus Dispatch 11-16-04
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
"We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
Sunday, December 12, 2004
UPDATES FROM AFGHANISTAN
With all of the news constantly coming out of Iraq, we sometimes forget about the rebuilding going on in Afghanistan.
I have two acquaintances in Afghanistan right now. One is David Grizzle, who is taking a year's leave as the Sr. Vice President of Corporate Development for Continental Airlines. The other is Major Rick Noriega, better known to me as State Representative Rick Noriega - or simply Rick, husband of my friend Melissa.
Grizzle is serving as the Transportation and Infrastructure Coordinator in Afghanistan, a position he has been appointed to courtesy of the U.S. State Department. What better man to take on the job of building new roads and transporting thousands of Afghans to Mecca for Hajj than the man who helped bring Continental Airlines into the global alliance known as SkyTeam?
For Grizzle, this yearlong mission is as much a calling of faith as it is one of duty and service to his country. His postings are detailed and descriptive, and are remarkably insightful. I sincerely hope that he writes a book when his mission is completed and he returns home. In the meantime, you may read more about him and his postings here.
Noriega, an active member of the Texas National Guard, is serving our country by training Afghans to serve in and run their own Afghan Army. Noriega will make Texas history in January, when - thanks to a state law that was passed last Session - he will be sworn in for the 79th Session of the Texas Legislature as the State Representative for District 145 via satellite phone from Afghanistan. He will then appoint his wife Melissa to serve as the State Rep during his absence.
You can watch the historical Swearing In of Rep. Noriega and all of the Texas House of Representatives live via the internet here on January 11th - make sure you have RealPlayer installed. You can also check out Rep. Noriega's updates online at his website here.
Godspeed to both of these men, and to all of our personnel in Afghanistan. We want you all home safe and sound - and soon.
I have two acquaintances in Afghanistan right now. One is David Grizzle, who is taking a year's leave as the Sr. Vice President of Corporate Development for Continental Airlines. The other is Major Rick Noriega, better known to me as State Representative Rick Noriega - or simply Rick, husband of my friend Melissa.
Grizzle is serving as the Transportation and Infrastructure Coordinator in Afghanistan, a position he has been appointed to courtesy of the U.S. State Department. What better man to take on the job of building new roads and transporting thousands of Afghans to Mecca for Hajj than the man who helped bring Continental Airlines into the global alliance known as SkyTeam?
For Grizzle, this yearlong mission is as much a calling of faith as it is one of duty and service to his country. His postings are detailed and descriptive, and are remarkably insightful. I sincerely hope that he writes a book when his mission is completed and he returns home. In the meantime, you may read more about him and his postings here.
Noriega, an active member of the Texas National Guard, is serving our country by training Afghans to serve in and run their own Afghan Army. Noriega will make Texas history in January, when - thanks to a state law that was passed last Session - he will be sworn in for the 79th Session of the Texas Legislature as the State Representative for District 145 via satellite phone from Afghanistan. He will then appoint his wife Melissa to serve as the State Rep during his absence.
You can watch the historical Swearing In of Rep. Noriega and all of the Texas House of Representatives live via the internet here on January 11th - make sure you have RealPlayer installed. You can also check out Rep. Noriega's updates online at his website here.
Godspeed to both of these men, and to all of our personnel in Afghanistan. We want you all home safe and sound - and soon.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
OUTSOURCING GONE TOO FAR???
Now HERE'S something to get everyone into the holiday spirit...
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
TODAY IS WORLD AIDS DAY
Today I remember my beloved brother-in-law Tom, and too many friends and loved ones needlessly lost to the most devastating disease my generation has ever known.
Tom was the youngest brother of my (ex) husband. He became one of my closest friends. We spent countless hours together, giggling at everything under the sun while sharing buckets of crawfish and beer. Tom used to call the house every Saturday morning. When my husband would answer the phone, Tom would tell him "I didn't call to talk to you. Give me Cate." I still miss his Saturday morning phone calls, more than eight years after his untimely death from AIDS.
I've been to entirely too many funerals and memorial services for loved ones who have died of AIDS. Neighbors, co-workers, former classmates - all precious lives now gone from my life.
AIDS is the most devastating disease of our lifetime. Tom was gay, but this is not a gay disease. We may still be, at heart, a discriminatory society. But AIDS does not discriminate. No one is immune to this disease - every race, every gender, every age group, every nationality, every religion, every sexual orientation is at risk. And it's completely preventable. Do whatever you need to do to stay healthy. Become educated on prevention. Use condoms. Be safe. Do this in memory of Tom and countless others, and do it in honor of those who love you and need you in their lives.
Tom was the youngest brother of my (ex) husband. He became one of my closest friends. We spent countless hours together, giggling at everything under the sun while sharing buckets of crawfish and beer. Tom used to call the house every Saturday morning. When my husband would answer the phone, Tom would tell him "I didn't call to talk to you. Give me Cate." I still miss his Saturday morning phone calls, more than eight years after his untimely death from AIDS.
I've been to entirely too many funerals and memorial services for loved ones who have died of AIDS. Neighbors, co-workers, former classmates - all precious lives now gone from my life.
AIDS is the most devastating disease of our lifetime. Tom was gay, but this is not a gay disease. We may still be, at heart, a discriminatory society. But AIDS does not discriminate. No one is immune to this disease - every race, every gender, every age group, every nationality, every religion, every sexual orientation is at risk. And it's completely preventable. Do whatever you need to do to stay healthy. Become educated on prevention. Use condoms. Be safe. Do this in memory of Tom and countless others, and do it in honor of those who love you and need you in their lives.
Free Web Site Counter
